The month was busy in all the obvious ways. The opening days of school brought long hours and added responsibilities, on top of the already heavy workload I had been carrying since Jackson left. But the harder part of August was less visible. Work stress had been building for some time, and this month it finally caught up with me.

There were days when getting out of bed felt difficult. At work, I became increasingly detached from the people around me and found myself avoiding interactions I would normally enjoy. At times, the sheer number of decisions and unfinished tasks became paralyzing. I would look at everything still waiting for me and struggle to see how I could possibly finish it, at least not to the standard I expect of myself.

The possibility that I might need to leave MA is not entirely new. I think I first began seriously considering it last spring, sometime around March or April. As the registrar responsibilities increased, they consumed much of the time I normally would have spent preparing for summer technology work. I realized I was spending more and more time on work that did not bring me any real sense of pride. It was simply work I felt responsible for finishing.

I’ve been trying to make changes that will relieve some of that pressure. I claimed a separate office away from the workshop where I can do planning, strategic work, and the parts of my job that require uninterrupted thought. I have also hired someone new who should begin taking some of the day-to-day load off of me. More importantly, I have become much more careful about what I agree to take on. I say no more often now, particularly when something is unnecessary or when I know I cannot give it the attention it deserves.

Some of that is helping. At the beginning of August, I probably would have put the odds of my staying through the school year at around 30 percent. Now, I would put it closer to 50 percent. Some of that difference may simply be August itself. There is so much that has to happen at the beginning of a school year that it is probably not the fairest time to evaluate how sustainable the rest of the year will feel.

Still, I’m not convinced that enough will change for staying at MA to feel sustainable in the long term.

I’ve started putting out feelers and applying for a few positions. I’ve also had the privilege of turning down a couple of opportunities that didn’t feel like the right next move. One of them was a remote IT Director position at a small school serving students with learning differences. I spoke with the head of school and came away believing deeply in the importance of what they were trying to do. Part of me was disappointed that it was not going to work.

But I could also see that what they needed and what I was willing to provide were not quite the same thing. They needed someone who could be much more physically present and hands-on than I could reasonably be for a campus in New Jersey. It became clear that they needed more hands-on, local support than I was willing or able to provide from Alabama.

Turning that opportunity down helped clarify something for me. Wanting change is not the same as wanting an escape.

I’m not desperate to leave, and I don’t want to change jobs merely for the sake of changing jobs. I also do not think I am simply looking for an easier job. Working from home sounds wonderful, and the flexibility appeals to me, but I know remote work comes with its own set of problems.

What I really want is work I can feel proud of.

I want to feel that I am helping in a meaningful way and that the work matters to someone beyond me. I suspect that means remaining in education or nonprofit work in some form. I know I am good at what I do. I miss the satisfaction of knowing that something was not merely completed, but done well, done carefully, and done the right way.

Outside of work, I’ve been leaning more heavily into cooking. It has become the creative outlet that fits the amount of attention and energy I currently have available.

One of my bigger focuses this summer has been plating. I have gotten much better at making the food I cook actually look good on the plate rather than treating presentation as an afterthought. I have also been experimenting much more with sauces.

I had never really considered how dramatically a good sauce can change a dish until I started thinking about foods I crave and realizing that sometimes the sauce is the reason I want them in the first place. So I have been playing with pan sauces and wine reductions, a balsamic and honey reduction, roux-based sauces, and béchamel. I am slowly working my way through the mother sauces, with the realization that there is probably a lifetime of learning ahead of me.

Tomatoes have been especially good lately, so there have been plenty of fried green tomatoes, Caprese salads, beefsteaks and heirlooms from the farmers market on Madison.

Cooking works for me right now because I already understand enough of the fundamentals that I do not have to think intensely about every step. I know enough about flavor, texture, acid, and salt to move around comfortably. That leaves room to experiment with techniques I do not know or to improve the ones I do.

And I have to cook anyway.

There is something satisfying about blocking out that time to accomplish something I already need to do while also learning, experimenting, and making something creative.

Watchmaking has moved to the back burner for almost the opposite reason. I haven’t abandoned it, but it requires a particular kind of concentration, patience, workspace, and mental quiet. When I’m operating well, I can create that space. Right now, I can’t do it consistently.

The ideas are still there. When one arrives, I write it down or make a quick sketch so I can return to it later. I still have plenty of things I want to make. They will wait until I can give them the attention they deserve.

The lake has provided some of the best moments of the month. It gives me room to do things at my own pace. Late afternoons and early evenings are my favorite, swimming for a while, taking the boat out, watching the sunset, and letting the day move without much urgency.

It feels like life is supposed to feel. Light, steady, calm, and optimistic.

There were other good moments too, some of which I collected in August, in pictures: quiet coffee in the morning, cooking something that turned out better than expected, and an evening at the movies with Erika. None of those things resolved the larger questions, but they gave the month some breathing room.

August ended without a clear answer about what comes next. I’m still at MA. I’m still trying to improve the situation in front of me while remaining open to something different. I don’t know yet whether the changes I’m making will be enough.

What I am trying to pay attention to is the difference between patience and complacency.

For me, complacency isn’t staying in one place too long. It is knowing that I am no longer doing my best work, or realizing that I no longer care about the outcome, and accepting that as normal.

I’m not there yet.

For now, I’m trying to give the changes I have made enough time to work without allowing patience to become an excuse for standing still. And if I do eventually move on, I want it to be because I have found something worth moving toward, not simply because I needed something to move away from.